LGBT

The age old question – Are gays born or created? I watched an interesting 60 Minutes documentary a few years ago and was surprised by its findings. I managed to find this documentary and include it in this post. Check it out.

His room is as nice as my daughter’s and she would kill to have those nails!

In this short documentary, they interviewed a pair of identical twins (twins are supposed to share very similar DNAs), which one grew up to be straight and the other gay. If twins share very similar genes and upbringing, grew up in the same environment and given the same choices, how is it that one turned out to be gay and the other straight?

This documentary also shows that you can actually tell a person’s sexual orientation from their mannerisms since young. At a friend’s recent birthday party, a friend remarked at how un-ladylike her daughter was, sprawling all over the floor while she was doing her colouring. Her other daughter however, was sitting very demurely while doing the same thing. And of course, there was my daughter (a.k.a the Drama Queen) who was sitting in the most supermodel-like pose as though she was lounging on some luxurious couch while having her photograph taken. OK, I’m not saying anything about their future, but from what I know about being a mother is that each kid has their own characteristics and it’s pretty hard to force them to be something they’re not. So how can gays be made? If it’s not genes that are responsible for gays, as we can see from the twins, then it has to be hormones. And hormones are in-built. Just like the documentary, I believe everybody’s hormones dictate their sexual orientation. Cos’ you can’t make someone gay. Try telling my homophobic husband to go and have the hots for some guy! I think hell will freeze over before that happens!

“Shiloh is like a little dude. She likes tracksuits, she likes regular suits. She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys' everything. She thinks she's one of the brothers.” ~ Angelina Jolie on her tomboyish 4-year old

In comparison, gay men are more unlikely to keep it in than lesbians. Men by nature are more sexually-charged than women. Telling a man to remain a virgin till marriage is as good as asking them to stop breathing. Gay men usually come out sooner as compared to lesbians, who can appear straight for years when they’re actually not. I know of a teenage boy (he has 4 older brothers!) whom the teacher was complaining about the fact that he likes to hug his male schoolmates from behind without any rhyme or reason. Of cos’ the other boys didn’t like that at all and threatened to beat him up. I believe that’s just his gay tendencies acting out and I wouldn’t be surprised if he does come out when he’s older. These acting-outs happen cos’ men are by nature more likely to display their affections as compared to women. Women are not as aggressive and that’s the reason why most women do not approach the men they are interested in at the bar. It all explains why gay men are more visible than lesbians in this society. Some women can be closeted for years and maybe never ever coming out.

Case in point, it took Kelly McGillis (of Top Gun fame) 40 years and 2 marriages before finally deciding to come out. Imagine how popular she would be with the girls if she came out when she was still hot

I can understand why it took Kelly so long to come out. Despite being a product of nature, society does not accept gays as willingly as they should. It’s much better now as compared to the olden days but total acceptance is still a far-fetched reality. I read a true story in a magazine a few years ago about a gay man who married a woman so that he would appear normal. He tried his best to make it work. He refrained himself from going to “gay places” like the gyms or bars to resist the temptation. He would try to give excuses whenever his wife wanted it and if he couldn’t, he had to imagine himself making love to a man every time he had sexual intercourse with her. It became worse when his wife wanted a kid. He would force himself to “perform” every time his wife was ovulating and was so happy when his wife finally conceived. Once the baby was born, he used it as an excuse not to have sex with his wife saying the baby is distracting blah…blah…blah.

Normal? Yes.

Happy? Definitely not.

I pity him cos’ he has to go to that extent to be accepted. It’s his whole life we’re talking about here and not just a short stint as a straight man. Frankly, I don’t think he can pull it off in a long run. Personally, I do know of someone who’s also gay and married and is suffering now. Tried to lead a normal life (as defined by society) but it will come out eventually, as with all other closeted gay stories. But what kinda advice can you give to this person? “Leave your spouse and kids and go ahead, be true to yourself?” Life’s not as simple as that, unfortunately.

Another thing I remembered from that magazine article was the mention that some men who suffered from erectile dysfunction (ED) are actually gay. They are giving this excuse so that they do not have to have sex with their wife. The cure for this ED? No, not these blue pills. Just put a naked man in front of them and Voila!

Gays don’t have it easy. They have to strive to be accepted in society and at the same time struggle with their own inner self, trying to convince themselves that they’re normal. And what about those feelings of guilt in the eyes of God? Thus, I do applaud those people who dared and did come out despite what other people thinks. I hope they’re duly rewarded with the tranquility and happiness that only an open heart could bring. And I hope with this post, I’m able to change a few people’s perception of them. Accept them, cos’ they didn’t choose to be what they are, they’re born with it.

“I’m a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being… by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.” ~ The late, great, Paul Newman

Love of a Lifetime

In conjunction with the Firehouse concert I watched yesterday, I’m gonna write about love, Love of a Lifetime.

How do you define a love of a lifetime?

Is love made up of grand proposals like this?

Or is love only evident when you see a couple newly sprinkled with love’s perfume – blind to the rest of the world, as they gaze deep into each others’ eyes and whisper things that make them take turns pushing one another lightly on the shoulder?

Or can love only be proven if you name a star after her (which you can apparently do) or arranged to have her name written in the sky by fireworks?

Awwwww.....

Well, if you think that all these acts of grandeur are everlasting love, then you’re seriously deluded. To me, love isn’t about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo screens and giant words in sky writing. Neither is it about those ridiculous three little words. Love is much simpler than that.

No girl in the right mind would say no

Let me relate to you an incident that I’m lucky enough to witness in my lifetime…

My dad had a stroke back in 1993 which left the left side of his body paralysed. He was sent to the old Changi Hospital immediately after his fall and was still conscious when we visited him later in the day (after which he lapsed into a coma and passed away 2 weeks later). He was hungry and my mum cut up some apples for him to eat. As he ate the apples, he didn’t realise that he’s not been chewing on the left side of his mouth cos’ he couldn’t feel a thing there. So as he swallowed the food, he didn’t realise that some bits are still not chewed on properly. I was standing beside him then and my mum was standing behind me. A few minutes later, he choked on the un-chewed bits and went on to puke his guts out in my direction. Being the vain 15-year old that I was then, my first instinct was to jump backwards to avoid the vomit. And as I jumped backwards, to my surprise, my mum lunged forward and grabbed some cloth nearby to catch the vomit so it won’t spill all over my dad’s clothes. In the process, my dad ended up vomiting on her as well. I was just standing there stunned, not knowing what to do and at the same time feeling ashamed that I had avoided him at the slightest hint of inconvenience when I should have done more. And at that point in time, it dawned in me that I had witnessed an act of love, love of a lifetime. It may seem weird to classify this gross scenario as one but this act made me questioned myself, “Would I be so self-sacrificing?” “Would I do that if it was my husband next time?” “Who does that? Step in and get puke all over herself just so that the husband does not get dirty?” I would have to say that at that moment then, my mum became my hero.

My mum & dad back in 1991. It was her first time on a plane.

My mum may not have demonstrated big actions of love for the whole world to see, but perhaps there’s a lesson there for young people like us – Love isn’t about the big things, the grand gestures calculated to make a woman swoon. It’s simple acts of sacrifice like this, the little, seemingly mundane chores that, done with affection, speak of all the love in the world.

What love of a lifetime should look like...

I Hereby Pronounce You Man and Wife

As much as I think that women are the greatest thing to walk on this earth since sliced bread, I also do think that most women can be extremely stupid sometimes – especially when they’re in love. On this day, the 8th anniversary of my marriage, I would like to give a few pieces of advice to married women. Something for them to ponder and see if there is some truth in them…

Married Women Should Continue Working Even After They’re Married

WORK! Never stop working. Take a short break if you want but never ever stop working and be a SAHM. Even if it’s a part-time job or a freelance job, keep yourself gainfully employed. Reasons being, if you’re earning an income, you would be spending your own money. So you don’t feel like you’re dependent on him all the time. Also, you could save money for those rainy days and in case of divorce, you’ll be financially-independent and would get the custody of the kids straight away. As I mentioned before in my previous blog post, I do know of some married women who stays in a marriage, despite knowing their hubbies are having an affair, due to financial constraints. Being financially-independent would allow you to exercise the right to leave in this kinda situation.

And if you’re working, you WOULD bother to keep up appearances and wouldn’t look like a dowdy housewife all the time. Imagine this, the hubby goes to work, meets smartly-dressed office girls and well-groomed clients all the time. Then when he gets home, this image welcomes him at the door :

The Housewife

VERSUS

The Colleague

I rest my case.

Married Women Should Continue Upgrading Even After They’re Married

UPGRADE YOURSELF! Use his money to take a course or something. So even if the marriage is no longer valid, you could use your newfound qualifications to find a job and support yourself and the kids. It need not be an academic qualification, it could be just a useful skill that would allow you to earn an income.

Don't take this long to get that cert!

Married Women Should Always Maintain Their Close Circles of Friends

KEEP FRIENDS! Families are important but so are friends. Once you’re dumped, your whole world would come crashing down. Family friends who used to be close to both of you may feel awkward just mingling with you alone without him. So that’s when your own group of girlfriends would come in handy. You know they will always be there for you. You know they will always take your side when you bitch about your ex and you know that they will love you for what you are. So make an effort to keep them even though you’re married. You’d never know when you might need a shoulder to cry on.

With friends like these, who needs men?

Married Women Should Always Set Some Free Time for Themselves

TAKE A BREAK! Being a wife and a mum (especially full-time ones) can be very taxing. It’s okay to take one night off a week to pamper yourself. Chill out with friends, go for a nice dinner, get a mani and pedi, watch a concert etc. Do whatever you want to make yourself feel better. One night away from your kids or husband does not make you a bad wife and mother. On the contrary, it might make you a better one, cos’ you’ll feel so re-energised after that one night that you can handle your daily roles better. So go on, give yourself a break without feeling any guilt.

Have a break. Have a Kit-Kat. Guilt-free.

Married Women Should Realise That Their Marriage May Not Last Forever

IT’S NOT! And the sooner you accept this, the easier it will be when it ends. I think only married women would understand what I’m talking about. Marriage is not a fairy-tale. There’s a lot of giving in, sacrifices, heartache and pain. Of cos’ it’s not all bad. There are some bliss too, that is, if you dig deep under. Ha Ha! Joking! The intangibles that comes with marriage life, like stability, kids, building a life together, someone to share your life with are the reasons why so many people still bother to take that plunge despite the ravines being full of spikes.

But the problem is, most women goes into a marriage expecting everything to go on smoothly – the men would be all hunky-dory, the kids will turn out well-behaved, the household expenses would be manageable and they would still have extra money to splurge on shopping month every etc. In reality, none of that could be further from the truth. The men would grow bald and pot-bellied, the kids would sometimes make you wish that you shouldn’t have sex to conceive them in the first place and the money is never enough. And all these explain why nowadays marriages don’t last beyond 2 years. The shock of discovering the truth about their pre-conceived fairy tale marriages is too much for them to bear. And they would start to plan their escape route within months.

So ladies, I’m not saying don’t get married (actually I am saying that as my girl friends would vouch. LOL!), I’m just saying, go into it with your eyes open and try to hang on even when the going gets tough. And that’s a piece of sagely advice from a not-so-sagely-married-for-8-years woman. (Man that’s long!)

Your Prince Charming won't age as gracefully as McDreamy

And yes,

‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, HONEY!’

Disclaimer : When I say it’s the end of the marriage, it does not mean just divorce, it could also mean the death of a spouse. Whatever the situation is, you must be able to support yourself financially when the time comes. That’s my whole point.

A Tribute to My Aunt

Being humans, people will tend to forget about other people’s deeds over time. This is especially true if that particular person has already passed away. You tend to forget the smallest details like their smile, their laughter, their smell, your conversations with them or maybe even how you feel towards them. Now, while the memory of her is still fresh in my mind, I would like to write a tribute to my lovely aunt who passed away yesterday. Some people grieve through tears, some through pain, while I grieve through my writings.

I can never forget her hospitality…

Everyone who knows my aunt knows that she’s very well-known for her hospitality. Everyone who’s ever been to her house has more or less experienced her warm reception and welcoming presence. For example, I cannot remember a time when there was no food served when we went over to her house. Be it for Hari Raya or just a normal visit, she would always make sure you have something to eat, even if she didn’t cook on that day.

I remembered there was one Hari Raya that we decided to do an impromptu visit to her house. She was visiting houses with us at that time and didn’t have time to cook for us at her home. Despite us assuring her that we’re already full, she still insisted on calling Canadian Pizza to order food for us just so that we would have food to eat when we go to her house. In fact, even when she was in pain at the hospital, she would still bother to ask her visitors whether they have already eaten and would offer them some biscuits or drinks, if they hadn’t.

I can never forget how she can cry at a drop of a hat…

I think my aunt has a leaking tap attached to her tear ducts. Ha Ha! As and when there was a slightest hint of human drama, her eyes would fill up with tears. It could be something as simple as asking for forgiveness during Hari Raya or her nieces/nephews salam (shake hands) her during their weddings; her eyes would just start welling up at such emotional moments. My sister and I would sometimes stand beside her and start counting down to the time her tears would flow whenever there was a Kodak moment. And she would never disappoint! Ha Ha! I guess it must have been very difficult for her during the hospitalisation period cos’ she would cry every once in a while as she felt helpless and would get very emotional when people salam her when they’re going off.

I can never forget her bubbly, excitable nature…

My family and my auntie’s family would always play this New Year Exchange Gift event every year. Each one of us would buy a gift for one different member of our family and surprise them with it on New Year’s Day. The rule is, we would have to keep a secret about whom we would be giving the gift to. But my aunt, being the excitable person that she was, would always find it hard to keep this matter a secret. We could just trick her a bit and she would let the whole thing out. Ha Ha! This characteristic of hers is very unbecoming of a middle-aged woman who is usually more blasé about things. She would always laugh or get excited about the smallest of things and I find it very cute whenever she does that. To us, she’s just our jolly ol’ rolly-polly aunt who brightens up whichever room that she’s in. So to see her transform from that to a sickly, fragile old woman is very painful for us. We wished we could relieve her pain but there was nothing much we could do for her other than to keep her company as and when we could.

I can never forget her lovely stories…

My aunt seems to know the whole world. She’s the most well-connected housewife I have ever met! She seems to know everyone! Ha Ha! I remembered there was once when our cars were nearly fined by the auntie parking wardens cos’ we didn’t put enough parking coupons. We were trying to negotiate with them when my aunt came over and began talking to them. We found out that she knew all of them and cos’ of that we were let off without a fine. Ha Ha!

I guess the reason for her popularity is cos’ she’s very friendly and cos’ she used to work at several places before. But I think a big factor might be due to the fact that she truly cares about others and bothers to ask after them. She loves to regale us with stories (and some gossips) about some of the interesting characters that she came across. Time spent chatting with her is always fun and entertaining. Her husband, who couldn’t stand gossips, used to call her “Makcik Quarters”, a term used to describe those old aunties sitting around in a quarters environment and sharing gossips. Ha Ha!

You can actually see the height of her popularity during her funeral today, where there’s no space at all in the house to accommodate the number of visitors that came over to pay their last respects. I used to joke with the hospital’s visitor screening staff that she would surely win the award for the most number of visitors cos’ the number of visitors who streamed in to see her was endless.

I can never forget her kind heart…

Despite being a bit of a kaypoh, my aunt has a very kind heart. Her gossips do not have any malicious intent and was never meant to harm the other parties. Her kind heartedness has been experienced by many who’ve met her. She wasn’t rich at all but her generosity really puts all of us – higher-income earners to shame sometimes. She loves to treat us and when she made some money from the sale of her house, she lavished us with lots of gifts and holidays. I will always be grateful to her for bringing us out often when we were younger cos’ our own parents couldn’t afford to bring us out as frequently. Even during her long hospital stay, she was constantly giving hand-outs to the sickly, the less fortunate and those newborn babies. This is, despite the fact she’s in such an unfortunate position herself.

The very reason why she landed in such an unfortunate situation was also cos’ of her kind heart. She does not like to trouble people and would keep her aches and pains under wraps. This went on for years until she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer last month. She does not want to worry her loved ones and trouble them with her problems, so she chose to bear the burden herself. How I wished we had noticed the signs earlier and take actions. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be…

We will definitely miss her a lot and I know that it’s gonna be especially difficult during festive periods or when we have family outings. She will be sorely missed by all, especially her loved ones. Even just now, when I stepped into her house after the burial, I was unconsciously looking for her face welcoming me as I entered the door. Instead there was no such familiar presence. Unfortunately, this is one of those things I have to get used to, even though I don’t want to. She will definitely be someone that we’re gonna talk about and remember for a very long time to come.

Andak, we miss you, we love you and may you rest in peace. Amin.

My beloved aunt, the late Rohanis bte Ibrahim.

Selamat Hari Raya!

In the spirit of Hari Raya, I would like to share some funny moments and my insights on this special day.

My 5 Unforgettable Hari Raya Incidents

1. Merlion

I was 8 years old and was dressed in a new dress that my mum had bought for me for Hari Raya. Every year, our first visit would always be to my mum’s parent’s house in Jurong. It’s a tradition during Hari Raya to pay respects to our elders by visiting them first before visiting any other younger relatives. We were staying in Tampines then and back in those days, they weren’t any MRT. The only way to get there then would be to take a bus. Of cos’ you could take a cab but the fare from east to west would be too costly for my parents. So there were we, all 6 of us (my parents and 4 children) all onboard bus no. 10 for the customary 2 hour journey to their house. When I was younger, I suffered from motion sickness. Sometimes, I would vomit during bus rides, so my mum would always carry extra plastic bags for precaution. This time round I was determined not to puke cos’ I was wearing a nice dress and vomiting would run a risk of spoiling the dress. I managed to hold on all throughout the 2 hours journey to Jurong Interchange. We then boarded the feeder bus from there to go to their home. “So far, so good”, I thought. Then my mum pressed the bell for us to alight. As I was walking towards the door, I could feel a warm feeling surged inside of me. I tried to hold on but the moment the bus door opened, I think you can guess what happened – I puked my guts out! There’s puke on my dress and on the floor! My parents were so pissed with me and I got a terrible scolding for that. Later, my mum had to take me out of my dress so that she can wash it at my grandparents’ house. So much for dressing up for Hari Raya!

All cleaned up and happy again ;-P

2. Shorty

I think I was 21 years old then and just started my first job. In Malay customs, you do not have to wait till you’re married before you can start giving ang pows. Once you start working, you are encouraged to give ang pows as it’s actually an act of charity to give to the younger kids and old people. Of cos’, since I just started work, I couldn’t afford to give a lot then. I decided to only give $2 to kids whom I’m not close to and about $5 or $10 to closer ones like younger cousins and nieces/nephews. That year, we followed my adopted auntie to visit her real sister’s house. I don’t know her family well and it was my first visit to their house. At their home, I saw that she had a young son, perhaps a teenager judging from his short height. Upon leaving, I decided to give him an ang pow since I presumed he’s still a student. To my surprise, he refused my ang pow and said, “Are you sure you want to give me? I’m already 24yrs old and just finished my uni studies. I shouldn’t accept this.” Oh my God! Not only was he nearly working, he’s even older than me! Needless to say, I was super-embarrassed. But come to think of it, you can’t really blame me. He was so short that I thought he’s still a kid. And thank God he didn’t accept my ang pow. If he had and saw that it contained only $2, it would be even more embarrassing for me. My family still laughed about this incident now. Ha Ha!

Imagine if he had opened it and saw the pathetic amount inside

3. Birdie

I was 22 years old and we were visiting my relatives in Sengkang. They didn’t answer the door when we knocked on it, so we proceeded downstairs and waited for them. My mum attempted to get through them by calling them. Suddenly, a beautiful, yellow canary bird appeared out of nowhere. I pointed it out to everyone and my mum asked someone to catch it so that we could keep it as a pet. The canary can’t seem to fly. It was just hopping around (maybe cos’ it’s a kept animal and thus not trained to fly). My then-fiance (now my hubby) wanted to please my mum. So he actually went to chase after the bird to capture it for my mum. The more he chased after it, the more it hopped away until it reached the side of the road. He surged forward to catch it and an oncoming vehicle ran down the bird in front of his eyes. When he came back, my mum asked for the bird. He told her that the bird was run over by the car. I was so shocked to hear that and was so pissed with him for letting this happened. I mean, the bird was so innocent and pretty and cos’ of some people’s greed, it died. I felt so bad even though it wasn’t my fault. And can you believe it? Tears started rolling down my cheeks! I’m not an animal lover but I guess I cried cos’ I think the bird really died unjustly. Just then, that relative answered my mum’s call and we went up to their home. She was shocked to see me crying and asked what happened. When she was told about the incident, she was like, “Aiyah! Such a small thing!” And everyone was laughing at me. I was embarrassed, to say the least. I felt that I had over-reacted. Even up till now I can’t believe I actually cried over a bird. Ha Ha!

The bird was as pretty as this picture

4. Stucked

This happened the year after the bird incident. I was sitting at the back seat of a car with a few family members for the whole entire journey from east to west. By the time we arrived, my legs were all pins and needles. I couldn’t move at all and since I was sitting nearest to the door, I had to exit or the rest wouldn’t be able to alight. My hubby (then-fiance), who was the driver of the car, was already outside the car waiting for us. In order to force myself to alight, I opened the door and put my hands on the outside of the car door to lift myself up. My hubby wanted to re-park the car again cos’ it wasn’t straight. Before he went into the car, he slammed the back door shut without realising my hands were outside. So there was my hand, with the fingers outside and the palm inside. I was screaming in pain and tried to open the door. It couldn’t be opened! In the end, my quick-thinking second brother went out of the car from the other door, opened my door from outside and managed to free my hand. My hand was throbbing and it hurts so much that I couldn’t help but cry. And yes, as you’ve guessed it, we went on to visit my auntie’s house with tears streaming down my face. I think people must be thinking that I’m trying to set a precedent of crying during every Hari Raya visit. Ha Ha!

Can't show the right hand cos' it's swollen

5. Wrong Amount

This happened last year. I tend to remember the contents of each ang pow from the colour of the envelope. Something like $10 in green envelopes, $2 in red envelopes etc. For kids whom we’re not close to like my bro’s friends’ children, we’ll just give a token sum of $2. Unfortunately last year, I had it all mixed up and actually gave the wrong envelopes to the wrong group of people. I think I must have given some of the kids $10 instead of $2 unknowingly. They must be thinking that this stranger auntie is so generous! The same thing also happened to my auntie a few yrs ago. She mixed up the envelopes and gave an old auntie, $2 instead of $20. She only realised her mistake after that old auntie’s daughter brought it up to her. Of cos’ she was very embarrassed but she managed to make up for the mistake the year after.

Some things change but some things are regular fixtures in every Hari Raya. Here’s my list of favourite things that never changed :

My 10 Favourite Things About Hari Raya

1. Geylang Bazaar

Only in Geylang can you find all kinds of food that I can never find at other times of the year. And it’s not just food, the vendors sell anything from accessories to clothes to cars! I’ve been to other bazaars in Singapore but Geylang is still the best in terms of variety. Maybe that’s why sometimes you can see other races soak in the spirit and excitement during this period by going to Geylang.

This place really comes alive during fasting month

2. Takbir

On the eve of Hari Raya, after we break our fast, we have this thing called takbir being played on radio. Its purpose is to mark the end of ramadhan and reminds us of those who have left us. The takbir has no significance to me before. That is, until my dad died. Only then did it form an impact on me. So nowadays when it’s being played, we try to make sure that there’s someone around my mum so that she don’t feel too sad.

3. Spring Cleaning

Every year, me and my hubby has a goal – to relax on the eve of Hari Raya and not do any housework at all. Of cos’, every year it’s just wishful thinking on our part. I think the reason must be cos’ we’re such last minute people that we’ll only clean up when it’s nearer to Hari Raya. So in the end we always ended up sleeping in the wee hours and be too tired to get up early.

Yeah rite! She can still look so good and sprightly even after spring cleaning the whole house. I wish!

4. Forgiveness

There’s a tradition in my family to seek forgiveness from the each other during the early Hari Raya morning. Other families practised it too but ours is more formal with the salam and kneeling down etc. My eldest bro would always take the lead to seek forgiveness from our mum cos’ he’s the eldest. But my eldest bro also has this knack for making us cry with his words. He would say something like, “Oh, you’ve been so unfilial. You should seek more forgiveness cos’ mum is so sad that you did this and this. She cried herself to sleep every night.” We would feel so guilty that all our tears would flow, thus ruining our make-up. Ha Ha!

5. Once-a-Year Relatives

Most of the time we’re too busy to keep in touch with other people so it’s only during this festive occasion that you get to meet up with some relatives/friends. It’s good to catch up sometimes cos’ you’ll never know whether you will ever see them again next year. This is especially true for the old ones.

6. Forgettable Relatives

My memory sucks. Sometimes I will forget some details about them like, their occupation, their age and even their names! Especially for those that you see only once a year. Most of the time I’ll be like, “Eh, you are now in primary what ah?” Only to be told, “I’m in Sec 3 already and will be taking my ‘O’ levels next year!” Ha Ha! Of cos’ other people are also guilty of doing these things to me. They’ll be like, “Eh, you’re still working in that XXX place ah?”, even though I’ve quit more than a decade ago.

7. Blossoming Relatives

It’s also nice to see some of your young relatives blossom over the years. While they used to be flat like Changi airport, within a year, they’re sporting some heavy-duty bosoms. Or maybe it’s just the baju kurung or kebaya accentuating their figures? Whatever it is, it’s always great to see their transformation from nerdy to babe.

8. Food Gorging

Malay families are known for their hospitality. Every family you visit will cook for you and every house will insist that you “eat a bit”. I always say that whatever weight I lost during fasting month, I will regain it all and more within a few days of Hari Raya. It’s rude to refuse them when they’ve cooked for you, so I learnt to “eat a bit” in every house that I visit. You need to leave some space in your stomach cos’ chances are, you’ll be eating again at the next house. Usually, at the end of the day, I’ll be too full to move!

Nice but very sinful...

9. Sweet, Sweet Drinks

If you’re diabetic, you can say goodbye to your strict diet cos’ every house will serve really sweet drinks. Towards the end, I would always ask for plain iced water cos’ I don’t wanna get sore throat from the drinks.

10. The Company

Visiting houses can be pretty routine and dull sometimes. But going out with my family is always fun. We all love to joke. Sometimes, out of boredom, we’ll invent stupid games like ‘Completing the Pantun (Poem)’ or ‘Truth or Dare’ just to entertain ourselves. Whenever we get together, there’s usually a lot of laughter among the kids and adults. And that alone, makes all the tiredness and the monotony of Hari Raya visiting worth it.

Selamat Hari Raya to all of my Muslim friends and Maaf Zahir Batin!

A Deal with Death

I have a phobia of death ever since my dad died in 1993. Phone calls in the middle of the night never fail to strike fear in my heart. More often than not, it’s always bad news. I think I’ve always had inklings of death ever since I was young. My mum told me when I was born, I would always cry non-stop during maghrib (that’s when the sun sets at about 7pm), until my grandma died four months later. They say kids can see ‘these things’. Maybe I did, I wouldn’t know.

Throughout my 31 years on this earth, I’ve gone through quite a number of deaths, some of close ones and some not so. In fact, I think I’ve gone through enough to begin noticing a pattern and have even come up with several of my own theories about death. It’s not scientifically-proven, neither is it based on facts but these are my beliefs. So read on if you will…

Theory No. 1 : Death happens in series

I hate it when somebody dies cos’ I believe that when a person close to you dies, it will trigger a series of other deaths among the people you know. When my dad died in Nov 93, my maternal grandma died just a few months later in Feb 94. Within a day, my auntie’s mum died and my religious teacher died too, two months later. I can’t remember the exact number, but from 1993 to 1995 alone, I lost close to 10 people! Then as suddenly as it all began, it would just as suddenly stop, until a few years later.

The domino effect of deaths...

Recently, this series happened to me again in May last year. My cousin-in-law died in an accident and when I accompanied the body to be buried at the cemetery, I realised that I was surrounded by 3 other new graves filled with people I once knew. One of them was my wedding photographer, the other was my good friend’s dad and another was a distant relative – all died within that week! It creeps me out cos’ I was just standing beside their graves without realising who were buried there until I noticed their names. It’s sad to know that those people who were once standing beside you are now standing beneath you. And it could easily be your turn one of these days.

Theory No. 2 : Death happens when I have unclear dreams about death

I had several dreams of death in my life. One which I remembered was an old man floating on a wheelchair in a void deck. He wasn’t doing anything death-related but I just had this feeling that this person was going to die. At that point, I didn’t know of any old man on a wheelchair but somehow my sixth sense was telling me that there’s an old man I know who’s going to pass away. He need not be on a wheelchair and I may not be close to him but someone was going to die. I was 16 then and remembered telling my friend about it over the phone a few days later. On that day, I was waiting for a phone call from my eldest bro cos’ we’re supposed to go karaoke. Halfway through the conversation with my friend, a phone call came through. On the other line was my brother telling me that the karaoke session had to be cancelled cos’ his father-in-law had suddenly died of a heart attack. I was shocked cos’ his father-in-law wasn’t that old and he wasn’t sickly but the news didn’t register anything in me then. When I went over the other line, I told my friend what happened. She immediately said, “Oh my God! Your dream came true!” It was then that I realised that the old man in my dream was him. And no, in real life he was never on a wheelchair. At that point it really spooked me up. It’s not a nice feeling to know that this kinda dream came true.

This was how it appeared in my dream

Another dream of death that I had was when I was pregnant with Camy. It was a few days before my labour and I was sleeping in the morning when I had that dream. I dreamt that my eldest brother was on a motorbike in some kampong with my other family members surrounding him. His pillion rider was a body wrapped up like a mummy (mayat that has been kapan) lying horizontally behind him. He was riding away and I remembered asking him in my dream where he’s going. He shouted that he’s going to this island (which starts with ‘M’, which I can’t remember the name) to bury the body in the sea. I remembered having this feeling in the dream that someone was gonna die soon but again, I don’t know who. This time round, I don’t have to wait long for my answers. Within seconds, I heard my mum knocking loudly on my bedroom door. I woke up and opened the door, half awake and half asleep. She said, “Your grandpa had died in Moro (an island in Batam).” I was like, “What?! I just dreamt about it before you knock the door…” Coincidence? I don’t know.

In my dream, this thing was behind my brother on the motorbike. Scary, right?

I had several other dreams of death but I realised that if the dreams is very clear, then most likely it won’t come true. Like if I know the person who died in my dreams and the exact sequence of the death, then it won’t happen. For it to come true, it has to be a very blurred dream and I wouldn’t be able to tell who it is. In fact, it’s usually not the dream per se but the feeling I get from the dream that will tell me whether it’s a real premonition or not. Unfortunately, when my close ones like my dad and my brother-in-law died, I had no premonitions about it at all and I always wonder why.

I would love for the dream that I won a lottery to come true. Unfortunately, no such luck!

Death Theory No. 3 : Death happens when you least expected it

Sometimes, I have a feeling that I’m gonna die but it doesn’t happen. Maybe when I have some chest pains or something like that, I start thinking that my time on this earth is not gonna be long. But hey! I’m still alive! Sometimes my close friends tell me that they feel that something bad is gonna happen to them and usually nothing happens. That makes me realise that death always happens unexpectedly. If you expect it to happen, it won’t. It prefers to catch you by surprise and you will have no hunch whatsoever that it’s gonna happen to you. Maybe God gives us this gift of not realising things when it’s gonna happen so that we won’t panic and let it happen naturally. I don’t know, maybe. So nowadays, whenever someone tells me that they’re gonna die, I will tell them that it won’t happen so easily. Not when they realised it.

Death Theory No. 4 : Death happens when a sickly person suddenly appears healthier

My family was taking care of my dad’s adopted mother when I was younger. She was bedridden for years and was getting weaker by the day. Towards the end of her life, she was eating lesser and lesser, and sometimes she just survived on a liquid diet. Then one day, a relative came to visit and asked about her condition. I remembered my mum saying something like, “Ya, she’s so much better today as compared to other days. Today she suddenly seems to have a big appetite and able to swallow everything. Maybe she’s recovering.” I think you can guess what happened that very night – she passed on peacefully. I have heard of this phenomenon very frequently, even among nurses. Sickly hospital patients on their death bed will suddenly show signs of recovery only to pass away that very night. I guess it’s God’s last mercy for the suffering to give them a last breath of life before taking their lives away.

Death Theory No. 5 : Death is not obvious for those who’s going to go through it

My brother-in-law died unexpectedly. He was only 27 years old and relatively healthy when he died. The whole family was busy packing their belongings cos’ they were about to move house. His mum kept on asking him to pack his things until one day he said to her, “There’s no point. I’m not going over.” The mum just brushed his comments aside and it only dawned on her when he passed away a few days later before they moved house. Guess his prediction came true, huh?

Wouldn't it be scary to have this premonition?

There was also a tragic case of rape and murder of a 10-year old girl in JB back in 2004. The mother said that days before she was killed, she requested that her mum buy some white cloth for her school uniform. Her mum was puzzled cos’ her uniform wasn’t white in colour. It was only after she died that her mum understood what the white cloth meant. (FYI, white is the colour of the cloth where Muslims are swathed with when they’re buried).

And of cos’ there are many other similar stories that I’ve heard. So my theory is that, people who are dying will sometimes spew words or do things that they don’t normally do without realising the significance of it. I mean, ask yourself, normally would you say these things? And even if you do, wouldn’t you find it weird that you said it? So I guess, they don’t realise the significance of these words, or else they wouldn’t say it. Maybe they’re in a trance or something. It’s only the people around them that would notice these things. But humans being humans, would just brush everything off as rubbish talk, until something happens. By then it’s too late. Perhaps next time we could pay more attention when our close ones start spouting nonsense and try to read more into it. It could be a premonition.

The Grim Reaper - We will all get a visit from him one day...

But I believe, when death does come, do take comfort in the fact that you would feel a sense of peace overwhelming you when it happens. I’ve read and heard about people telling me that when they were going through a near-death experience, they suddenly felt a sense of peace engulfing them like as though death was welcoming them to meet their maker. I can only hope mine will be as peaceful too.

You Live, You Learn

I’ve been taking a lot of courses lately. Some people asked if I’m having a mid-life crisis. And I say, yes I am, although I’m just 31 this year. I heard a talk recently and the speaker asked this question, “If you can live to a 100 years, how many days would you have to live?” If you think about it, if you can live to 100 years old, you only have 36,500 days to live. Not a big number, isn’t it? And most of us won’t live till 100. I, for one, do not foresee myself living beyond 60 (thus the mid-life crisis). Partly cos’ of my family’s health history but mostly cos’ of the environment we live in today – our genetically modified food items, high stress levels and ecological factors like pollution are reasons why people nowadays do not have the longevity that the people in the olden times had. So if I can live to 60 years old, I have only 10,585 days left to live. I have easily used up 11,315 days of my life. See! When you break it down like that it’s not really a lot isn’t it?

If you don't do something about your life, you will see it fly by like the torn pages of a calendar

Of cos’, not everyone is as pessimistic as me. Some think that they will live much longer than 60. But think about it, even if you do live beyond 60, you might be too sick or too weak to pick up some things that you wanna learn by then. For example, how do you pick up martial arts or physically-intensive courses like wakeboarding when you’re 60 years old? I’m learning aikido now and I can see that I’m not as agile as some of the teenagers when it comes to doing the physical stuff like rolling on the floor, walking across the floor on your knees etc. And I’m only 31! I’m not saying it’s impossible to learn these things when you’re older, just a lot tougher. Besides, the earlier you learn something in life, the longer time you have to use the knowledge. I don’t see the point in picking up a useful skill that can be only used for the remaining 5 years of your life.

Not everyone can be as lucky as these women to be able to do all these activities at that age

I’ve spent the past few years taking up academic studies and I’m sick of it now. I had more free time the earlier part of this year and it made me realised that there’s more to life than just studying and working. That was when I decided to take up all the courses and interests that I’ve always wanted to learn and pick up but never found the motivation to do so. Within a few months, I enrolled myself and my family in a myriad of activities to fill up my time. Now all my weeknights are almost filled – Monday nights are filled with yoga lessons and my community volunteer meetings, Wednesday nights are spent learning how to improve my limited swimming skills, Thursday nights are guitar nights and on Friday nights, I’m practising aikido. All these activities are not specialised in one area – there’s sports, martial arts, music, exercise and volunteer work. Totally different from one another and that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on – with diversity and variety. And after completing these courses, I have every intention of taking up other courses like golf, speed reading, painting, pool, make-up, hairstyling, dancing etc. – all the things I’ve always wanted to learn.

If you're wondering why I'm not so active in Facebook lately, these are the reasons why...

I believe everything has a technique. Reading has a technique, dancing has a technique, and even the simplest thing like eating has a technique. You may be able to swim but can you survive if you’re dropped in an open sea? I may be able to play pool but I’m sure I can further improve my game if I can read the game instead of just aiming to put the balls into the pockets. So what I wanna learn by taking up these courses is the technique. Just in case I’m put in certain situations, I can hold up on my own if I know the technique to doing certain stuff.

Some people may think, “Why is she taking up courses like make-up, hairstyling, dancing? Is she gonna be a make-up artist or something?” See, I’m just learning the basics. I’m not gonna strike out on my own and totally change my profession (it’s not my interest anyway). I’m taking up these courses for very practical reasons. For example, why make-up and hairstyling? The reason being, cos’ I have a daughter. There are times when I need to doll her up for occasions like Hari Raya or her school concert and I would feel handicapped cos’ I totally don’t know how to make her up or do her hair. I’m a tomboy through and through. I don’t even know how to plait hair for crying out loud! In the past, I would usually pay a professional to make us up when we go for some photo-taking session at the studio. If I have these skills, next time, I could always do our own make-up and not waste the money on paying others. So you see, I’m a very practical person.

Anyone dare to try out my make-up skills after the course?

And being the neurotic me, I have actually mapped out a list of courses that I wanna take up within these 2 or 3 years. After that, I might continue with my academic studies but for now, I just wanna learn everything non-academic. When I was younger, I wanted to take up lots of courses but my family wasn’t well-off. So now I wanna give my daughter something that I can’t get when I was younger – the opportunity to learn anything she wants. Currently, I’m enrolling her in lots of courses to find out what are her interests and with the hope that she’ll be able to find one that she can be good at. Unfortunately, due to her learning disability, she will take double the time it takes for normal kids to learn. But I’m willing to wait and I’m not giving up until she masters them.

I realised that I’d rather be Jack of All Trades than Master of One. It’s boring to be just a Master of One and nothing else. I’ve seen people work their whole lives and that’s all they’re good at – working. Then there are others who come up with a million and one reasons not to make that change in their life – “I’m too busy to upgrade myself cos’ I have to work overtime all the time”, “I’m too busy to learn new things cos’ I have family commitments”, “I can’t take these courses cos’ I have no money”. I’ve heard it all before. Well, there’s news for you. If you don’t start doing things for yourself, very soon your life will just pass you by and you’ll be wondering what you’ve been doing all these while. And you will regret not living your life the way you want it to be! I’m not saying you should drop all your commitments and start pursuing a new interest. I’m just saying that you should set aside an hour or two off your busy schedule and do things for yourself. Pursue what you like and put yourself first once in awhile. That’s all.

Any of these situations look familiar to you?

And to me, all the reasons above are just excuses. I’m working, a wife and a mother too. If I can find the time to do these extra-curricular activities, why can’t you? And money shouldn’t be an issue. I took up most of my courses at community centres where the courses are super-cheap. I’m paying only $50 for 10 lessons for my yoga. That’s like what? $20 per month? Come on, a simple dinner with your family at a coffeeshop costs more! Think about it, your kid is not gonna love you less if you spend 1 night away from them to attend a class. Housework will never end and you can always do overtime another night. If you look back 20 years down the road, you won’t remember that on Tuesday, you cleaned the floor till it’s spotless but you will remember that you took ikebana classes before and that’s why the flowers in your house are now nicely arranged. Time passes by so fast nowadays. Wouldn’t it be nice to look back on the past year and realised that you have achieved something, instead of squandering the whole year away without any accomplishments?

I spent my childhood playing in playgrounds, my teenage life having fun with friends and dating a lot, and my twenties building up a life (marriage, parenthood, creating a home, studying etc.). Now that I’m in my thirties, I want my thirties to be the time that I do and learn whatever I want. I guess I’m partly influenced by my husband who’s the ‘King of Upgrading’. He has hundreds of certs and would always be the first to encourage me when I wanna learn something new (of cos’ based on the condition that he gets to attend the courses too). He just loves learning and that has influenced the lazy me to upgrade too. So now I become a believer of upgrading. I believe you should upgrade yourself not cos’ the government asked you to or cos’ you need the skills to land a job, but cos’ you wanna do it for yourself. Do it cos’ you want to pick up a new skill and cos’ it’s your interest. Learning is more fun that way.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Children – The living messages we send to a time we will not see

Dyslexia : A learning disorder that manifests itself primarily as a difficulty with reading and spelling. It is not an intellectual disability. Dyslexia is diagnosed in people of all levels of intelligence, average, above average, and highly gifted. Dyslexia sufferers include people like Lee Kuan Yew, Richard Branson, Thomas Edison, Tom Cruise and John Chambers (CEO of Cisco Systems).

As I mentioned in my previous post, my daughter has severe dyslexia. Dyslexia can range from mild to severe and in her case, I think it’s quite severe based on the number of symptoms that she carry. She seems normal and because of how confident she is and how well she speaks, people seem to think that she’s a very smart kid. And she is, that is until you get her to sit down and ask her to read or write, then you will see her learning disability showing. If you ask her to spell ‘CAT’, she will tell you verbally that it’s ‘C-A-T’, but when she writes it down on paper it becomes ‘A-C-T’ instead. Or when she’s supposed to dial the phone number 9099 1352, she would be abled to say the numbers out correctly but when she pressed the number, it can suddenly become 6096 1325. Sometimes even verbal communications can be inverted. Like she was always telling me that bus no. 26 is a double-decker bus when it’s obviously bus no. 62 or the fact that she likes to drink “Berina” when she actually meant “Ribena”. Somehow or another, her brain would automatically convert the numbers/letters for her unknowingly.

The actual no. is 97978025. See how the '9' automatically gets inverted

I started to notice something was wrong with her as early as when she’s 2 years old. It might be because I was spending a lot of time with her or maybe because I had a lot of interactions with my young niece/nephews before she was born, so I tend to notice kids’ behaviour and their developments better than normal people. It could be simple things like whenever she wore her shoes it’s always the other way round, left to right and right to left or it could be her co-ordination when it came to activities which required motor skills. Also, she couldn’t seem to follow more than 2 sets of instructions at once. For example, if I say, “Pick the toys up and put in the toy bin.” She would only do the first part and waited for me to repeat the second part again. I wanted to send her to a speech therapist when she was 2 cos’ I thought she wasn’t speaking as well as the other kids her age but the speech therapist told me that I’m just wasting my money. She said some kids were late bloomers and asked me to wait a while. Everyone around me thought I was over-reacting but as a mum, I knew there was something wrong with my kid.

This is actually her name - 'Camylia'. This was during her earlier years. Now her handwriting has improved a bit

See if you can actually recognise this. It's actually my name - 'Sabrina'!

At first I thought she was autistic but after reading up on the symptoms of autism, I don’t think she fits 100% into the descriptions. Then when she was about 4 years old, I decided to read up about dyslexia. I had taught tuition to a 7-year old kid who was dyslexic when I was younger. Back then my understanding of dyslexics was just that they tend to mix up their ‘b’ and ‘d’ or ‘u’ and ‘n’. I didn’t realise there was a lot more to dyslexia than I know. Imagine this, while reading the symptoms of dyslexia I was using the imaginary pen in my head to put a tick on all the signs listed there. I think she fits nearly 95% of the signs listed there and I realised I had found the answer.

This was the image in my mind then

Of cos’ my first step then was to contact the Dyslexia Association of Singapore (DAS) but was told that she could only get assessed at 5 years old. So I waited until she was 5 to get her assessed. The psychologist assessed her and certified that she has a very high risk of dyslexia but encouraged us to try alternative treatments like occupational therapy, speech therapy and educational psychology at KK hospital first before beginning the pre-school programme at DAS. So that’s what we’ve been doing for the past one year – therapy after therapy. I think she has gone through more therapies than I ever did in my whole life! Now, after such a long wait, she’s finally gonna start her classes at DAS in September and it will take her about 3 years to somewhat overcome dyslexia. Although, she would still have to struggle her whole life with this in order to keep up with the normal kids.

She’s lucky in a sense that she has educated, young modern parents who are able to detect her condition early. If she’s born in the old generation, she will just be labelled under one general category – ‘Stupid’. They say dyslexia can be hereditary so maybe she got it from my mum. Whenever we visit relatives during Hari Raya, we will always need to call the relative in advance to confirm their address cos’ my mum will always jumble up their block number. Block 123 can be Block 132 in an instance! Ha Ha! It’s not her fault of cos’ but during the olden times, ‘dyslexia’ was not even a common term. So my mum was never diagnosed or treated for her condition.

During Camy’s Meet-the-Parents session in school, I informed the teachers about her condition. I was surprised that as educators, they don’t even know what dyslexia was. I then took the opportunity to educate them about her condition and requested that they be patient with her cos’ she doesn’t learn like normal kids. Recently, the form teacher informed me that Camy’s classmates had begun asking her why Camy always needs extra attention in class and why she can never get her spelling right. As the teachers are more aware now, they will then explain to the other kids that Camy is special and she needs more attention. Sometimes when Camy go on a play date with her classmates I will take the opportunity to talk to them personally. I will always say in simple terms, “There’s something wrong with Camy’s eyes. That’s why she can’t see the words and spell correctly. And that’s why the teachers have to help her all the time. So you have to be patient and help her if she needs help, OK?”

A sample of her spelling. I told the teachers to mark her right for her spellings if she spelt it correctly but inverted. The other two words, 'Mosquito' & 'Cockroach' and the dictation were too long for her to spell

Of cos’ it’s easier said than done. I, for one, am guilty of losing my temper sometimes when I teach her. Picking up things has always been easy for me. I started learning multiplications of two numbers (e.g. 35 X 55) at 6 years old. I always get full score for my spellings back in primary school. I love reading so much and English has never been a problem for me. Then God challenged me by giving me a daughter with a learning disability. Getting her to sit down and focus requires every ounce of patience in my body and even then she can barely focus for more than 5 minutes (another sign of dyslexia). When teaching her, she would forget the previous thing I’ve taught the moment I went on to the next question. I am patient enough to train strangers who are slow but I fail terribly when it comes to my own kid. I just can’t muster up the patience needed no matter how hard I try. So sometimes I would give up and would feel guilty every single time she struggles in school. There would be days when she would cry and not wanna go to school cos’ her teacher had scolded her the day before cos’ she can’t do her school work. And there were days where she had to be dragged to school on Mondays cos’ she has Arabic class in school. For her, it’s already bad enough with English and Malay, what more Arabic?

So that’s why sometimes I think I’m a bad mother cos’ I’m not as committed as some mums in educating their kids. But I realised that that’s not what your kids think of you. In their eyes, you will always be this perfect, lovely creature that can do no wrong. Thus, I find it very difficult to live up to that image that your child has of you. There were times when I accidentally bumped onto her making her fell and cry. I would then apologise and say something like, “Mummy is so sorry. It’s all Mummy’s fault. Mummy so bad.” Then she would say something like, “No it’s not Mummy’s fault, it’s the rock on the floor that made me fall. You go and beat that naughty rock!” LOL! You can’t help but melt when you hear these things. Or sometimes when her dad says something like, “Where’s your mum? She must be sleeping lah that’s why the house is in a mess.” Then she’ll say something like, “But mum is sleeping cos’ she’s tired”, defending her ever-lazy mum. Ha Ha! So sometimes I wonder how some mums can be as heartless as to let their kids be raped or given away or sold to a brothel. When I see cases where the children grow up hating their mums so much, I was always wondering how everything got so wrong. Kids’ love for their mums is so pure that an ultimate betrayal of trust must have taken place for a kid to really hate their mum that much. Cos’ it really takes a lot to tarnish a kid’s image of their mum.

THE SEVEN TYPES OF INTELLIGENCE

Psychologist Howard Gardner has identified the following distinct types of intelligence in his Multiple Intelligences Theory (“MI Theory”) in the book “Frames of Mind.”

1. Linguistic : Children with this kind of intelligence enjoy writing, reading, telling stories or doing crossword puzzles.
2. Logical-Mathematical : Children with lots of logical intelligence are interested in patterns, categories and relationships. They are drawn to arithmetic problems, strategy games and experiments.
3. Bodily-Kinesthetic : These kids process knowledge through bodily sensations. They are often athletic, dancers or good at crafts such as sewing or woodworking.
4. Spatial : These children think in images and pictures. They may be fascinated with mazes or jigsaw puzzles, or spend free time drawing, building with Leggos or daydreaming.
5. Musical : Musical children are always singing or drumming to themselves. They are usually quite aware of sounds others may miss. These kids are often discriminating listeners.
6. Interpersonal : Children who are leaders among their peers, who are good at communicating and who seem to understand others’ feelings and motives possess interpersonal intelligence.
7. Intrapersonal : These children may be shy. They are very aware of their own feelings and are self-motivated.

So actually being a good mother is quite easy if you think about it. You just need to identify their strengths among these seven intelligences and groom their talents accordingly. Why do some mothers fail to be good mothers might be cos’ they tend to choose one of these seven intelligences and force their kids to focus on it even though it’s not one of their kids’ strengths. Singapore mothers especially, are guilty of focusing on Intelligence type no. 2 – Maths/Logical. They want their kids to be good in their studies and be good in Maths and Science so that they can get into good schools. But this might not be what their kids are naturally good at which will lead to more misery for the kid.

Ever wonder which one of these 7 are you?

On my own, I have identified 2 out of 7 Intelligence types (Musical & Interpersonal) as Camy’s strength. Actually, I am surprise that she even has one. I wasn’t expecting her to have any cos’ she doesn’t fit into the typical Singapore definition of a good student. She’s not that strong in these 2 areas yet but I believe that can be groomed. So what I’m actually doing now is sending her for a lot of other classes that I think she will enjoy e.g. ballet, swimming, roller-blading, speech and drama, gymnastics. Most parents will scold me for wasting her time and energy in sending her for these courses instead of engaging extra tuition for her. But I believe that I’m a different type of parent from most Singapore parents. I believe that if I build up her confidence in other areas, she will be a much happier kid and when she realises that no one is pressurising her to excel in academics, she will naturally (and hopefully) do better in her studies. To me, not being academic does not mean that it’s the end of the world. She can always excel in other areas and as long as she grows up to be a good human being, I’m happy enough. Besides, no one has ever questioned how well Tiger Woods, Pete Sampras or Angelina Jolie did in their studies. As long as they excelled in their craft or the field of their choice, they will be considered champions in the eyes of the world.

“Regardless of Race, Language or Religion…”

On this National Day, I would like to address the issue of race. Ooh, sensitive issue… Don’t worry, I’m not gonna go on an offensive on the racial matters in Singapore. After all, I’m just a peace-loving Singaporean who just wanna give my two cents worth on this issue. Nevertheless, I feel this issue has to be addressed as your race sometimes defines how you are being treated by others. Personally, what does race means to me? Being of mixed parentage, race means NOTHING to me. I notice, usually the person who’s of mixed blood does not think they are any different from others. It’s always other people who have different opinions of them. When I was growing up (even up till now), I was often mistaken for a Chinese. Back then I don’t understand why cos’ I don’t see a Chinese when I look in the mirror, I only see me. When I grew up and become more aware of the world, only then do I realise how much I look like them and how this would affect my life. I guess, children are actually born colour-blind, it’s always the adults who taint their views with colours.

My case in point :

It’s sometimes funny to see how Singaporeans always go goo-goo-gaga over Pan-Asians and how some advertisers like to use them when they are trying to project a cool image with their brands. And how people tend to think that people of mixed parentage are exotic. I think that’s why you often hear this : “What race are you?” “Oh, my mum’s a mixed of Thai-Malay and my dad’s a Chindian and my grandmother is ¼ Filipino and one-sixth Spanish.” Man! They would produce more fractions than my Maths book! I guess the next thing you should ask them is what’s in their IC. Then maybe the answer is, “Indian”. Ha Ha! Sometimes a simple one-word answer is all that people wanna hear without going into details on your complicated ancestry.

Kids know better. We adults should be ashamed :

Of cos’ sometimes people wanna justify everything. For example, I will often get this remark, “You’re a Malay ah? Then how come you’re so fair?” Then I will have to explain on the fact that my mum is Chinese and that’s why I look like how I look. And sometimes I might even have to go into details on “how she became a Malay” (more on that below). Like as though you can become a different race from what you were born into. LOL! So to save time, I picked up Mandarin from TV by myself and now use it on a daily basis to reply to those people who would automatically ask me questions or directions in Mandarin. Rather than make a feeble attempt at explaining that I’m not Chinese and telling my whole life story, I would just give them the answers they want in Mandarin and carry on the pretence that I am Chinese. I even had situations where classmates or colleagues who don’t realise that I’m Malay even though they’ve known me for months or years. That’s how effortlessly I’ve managed to blend in sometimes.

Me, my daughter & mum. See! 3 generations and the Chinese blood does not seem get diluted. This shows that it's very strong

My hubby sometimes complains to me about the discrimination he faces being a Malay in Singapore. Although it’s not very apparent, I know these things exist even in ‘judged based on merit-Singapore’. How many times do you see an advertised position requesting for English and Mandarin-speaking candidates even for those positions which does not require them to liaise with Chinese-speaking clients? This and other instances make me aware of what’s going on. But that’s all I am – Aware. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’ve experienced the same level of discrimination my hubby faced. Looking like them and being able to speak their language has allowed me to be easily accepted into their culture. So personally, I don’t feel the social divide between Malays and Chinese is that far. But that’s just my take on this issue. Of cos’ I could go on and on debating on racial discriminations but that would make a very boring blog post. So let me tell you a very interesting story on race and beliefs instead.

MY MUM & HER LIFE STORY

My mum actually has a very interesting life story which warrants a detailed portion of this post entry on her own. My mum was born a Chinese. What do I mean by “born a Chinese”? Well, she was born to a Chinese family of 7 children in 1950 (the year of the dreaded Tiger). She had 2 elder sisters and 1 elder brother but a few months after she was born, her brother drowned. Imagine that, the only son of a Chinese family died just after my mum was born! Naturally, this incident and the fact that my mum was born in the year of the Tiger made her parents think that my mum was jinxed. It may seem preposterous now but back in the 50s, this train of thought is not at all unusual. People are much more traditional then and their beliefs are largely influenced by fate and destiny. In fact up till now, the Chinese zodiac has a major influence on the number of babies produced in Singapore. There will be a significant drop in the number of babies in the year of the Tiger and a jump in birth rates in the year of the Dragon. The repercussion of this is, those born in the year of the Dragon will have a hard time getting places in primary one and universities.

OK, back to my mum’s story. So being the “suay” baby that she was deemed to be, a decision was made to give my mum away. A few other Chinese couples were approached but I guess my mum’s reputation preceded her and so no Chinese would take her in to their family. In the end, a Malay couple, who did not believe in this “curse”, agreed to adopt her. They had two sons and wanted a daughter badly and so that’s how my mum started her new life, as a Malay. So although she was born a Chinese, she grew up in a very traditional Malay environment. So much so that she couldn’t speak any other language other than Malay, which is funny cos’ people would not expect such a Chinese-looking woman like her to speak Malay at all. Coincidentally, my dad’s mum (my paternal grandma) had the same history as my mum – she was also given away by her Chinese parents to a Malay couple. So I’m ¾ Chinese actually. See! Now I’m fractionising like those people I mention. Ha Ha! Over the years, I actually met or read about a lot of people who have the same history as my mum and most of them are born in the year of the Tiger. Coincidence or what?;-)

My mum in her teens. She looked totally different from her siblings

As my mum grew up, she began to suspect that she’s adopted cos’ obviously she looked very different from her siblings and parents as they were much darker. When she was 9, she asked her mum on why her birth cert has a Chinese name on it and her mum gave her the most innovative answer ever. Her mum said that when she was a baby, her birth cert was accidentally exchanged with a Chinese baby and so that birth cert she’s holding was actually not hers. Creative, isn’t it? And my mum didn’t bother asking for more details as people during that time don’t really questioned their mums the way the kids do nowadays. I guess, as she grew to adulthood, she finally figured out that she’s adopted but she never confronted her foster mum with the truth for fear of upsetting her.

Years after she got married, she found it difficult to get employment as her IC was blue in colour (cos’ she has a Chinese name on her birth cert and a Malay name on her IC, so the discrepancy caused them to give her a blue IC). She finally decided to look for her birth parents so that they could verify to the Immigration Office that she’s a Singaporean and changed her IC to pink. She looked at the name of her parents on her birth cert and pored over the Yellow Pages to find a name with an exact match. She found it and my dad called them up to ask if they had ever given away a baby back in 1950. They admitted that they did and a reunion was arranged at their house.

My mum and dad with her real parents. This was taken during the reunion in 1980

When my mum reached the lift landing of their house, all her siblings and relatives were lining up along the corridor to get a first look at her. The moment she came out of the lift, they instantly recognised her as their sister cos’ the resemblance between siblings was uncanny. Her mum cried and apologised, stating that she didn’t mean to give her away but had to cos’ their financial situation was very tight then. Of cos’ my mum knew that that’s not the truth as she has four other younger siblings after her and they kept every one of them. But my mum, being the kind-hearted and gentle woman that she is, forgave her parents immediately and never enquired further. My mum is a simple woman who never desires the material trappings of life. To her, she is happy the way she is and the way her life has turned out to be. Her adopted parents may not be rich but they had taken good care of her and brought her up well. And that’s all that matters to her. A few short years after the reunion, her parents died of an accident and an illness. Maybe there is some truth to her “suay” status after all. Ha Ha! Just joking guys! By the way, these words came out of her own mouth. Shows how self-deprecating my mum can be sometimes.

My mum and her younger sis who looks very much like her. Taken in 1980

From left : My late dad (standing), my mum's younger brother, his wife, my mum's elder sis, my mum (in green), my mum's younger sis and her husband. Taken in 1991

It’s also thanks to the 1980 reunion that we have kept in touch with all my Chinese aunties, uncles and cousins all these while. They would usually come over to our house during Hari Raya for a get-together or just to catch up on things. I guess being a product of a mixed race can be pretty interesting. I get to experience different cultures, see two different sides of the coin and given a totally different treatment as compared to my Malay counterparts. And so, I’m not going to complain.

Some of the extended family members during one of the Hari Raya visits. My mum is in the green baju kurung

An Affair to Remember

I think the latest trends in the marital market nowadays are not white weddings or gay marriages or celebrity weddings. I think the latest trend to hit town nowadays is AFFAIRS! Don’t get me wrong. I know affairs have been going on way before our parents’ time with the likes of JFK and Marilyn Monroe. But last time, the ones who are usually having affairs are the men. Women, especially Asian women, are usually the ones suffering silently at home cos’ they need to depend on the men to support them. And back then, it’s virtually unheard of to see Muslim couples having their marriages wrecked cos’ of an affair. Nah! Who am I kidding? Of cos’ there was such a thing last time. People just brush it under their carpets. The women would just soldier on silently for the sake of their children. Now, I guess it’s just more rampant, or maybe cos’ the women are making their voices more audible. In fact, the tables have now been turned. Here’s a fact – about 50% of the married couples I know of are having problems with their marriage cos’ of affairs. And now, it’s not just the men who are playing the field. Even the women are doing so too. And these women I know of are not young either. Some of them are in their 40s and 50s with one even wearing tudung and has gone to hajj. What can I say? It’s such an interesting world we live in. LOL!

Is there such a thing? A perfect love affair? Maybe if the wife gives a full 100% support

Previously, affairs of Muslim couples are just a matter of two people falling in love and wanna be together. But nowadays, it’s all the way. No regards for religion or moral obligations, it’s all the way, intercourse and all, Muslims or non-Muslims. I think the reason why this happens is cos’ affairs are passionate. All the hiding and secretiveness will only result in passion building up which will cumulate to rising sexual tension which leads to doing the deed. So I guess that’s why it’s quite rare to hear of affairs where the couples aren’t doing it at all, where they just fell in love and go out with each other with no hanky-panky.

Try harder, Wally

When I was single, I had my fair share of suitors. Most of them are single and if they do have a girlfriend, I would stay away from them to avoid troubles. When I got engaged, about six months before I got married, I had three suitors going after me. And all three of them are married! Usually, I don’t have married men going after me. But the moment I was about to get married, suddenly three married men started to woo me. All of them knew I was about to get married so I don’t know what they were thinking. Maybe it’s a challenge for them to “rescue” me from their perceived marital entrapments before I make that commitment. I don’t know. But being the straightforward person that I was, I would just tell them off by saying, “You’re married, right?” And went on to ask about their wives and kids and kept on talking about my fiancé at every opportunity I had. Ha Ha! Of cos’ these men would reluctantly talk about their families and kept on emphasising on the fact that their marriage was in trouble and they’re not happy. Yada… yada…yada… Like I care! Like I would be stupid enough to get involved with them and gets embroiled in their marital problems and risked my upcoming wedding. Please! Do I look like those stupid women to them? My opinion then was, if you’re not happy with your marriage then get a divorce. Then you can date all the women you want. By introducing affairs into the marriage, they are only making things worse and destroy any chance they might have to rekindle their marriage.

It's proven! Affairs are always passionate!

That was then, when I was young and single. Now that I’ve been married for 7 years, well, let’s just say that I’ve matured in my thinking. My take on affairs now? I still don’t believe in affairs (Phew!) cos’ I believe you will be caught sooner or later if you do have one. And I don’t believe in complicating existing matters by introducing “foreign objects” into the equation. So what has changed in me over the years? OK, this may seem controversial to some, but now, I can understand why some people have affairs (I would never be able to understand it last time). Some are trapped in an unhappy and loveless marriage so they have affairs as a form of escapism. Some of those people I know have wives who are really dependent on them for a source of income. Leaving them for another woman may seem rather merciless, so they choose to stay and carry out their responsibilities albeit unhappily. As much as I can understand their predicament, I don’t condone or encourage their actions. I can only sympathise. So do people who have affairs considered bad people? I think there are always two sides to a story and so we shouldn’t be too quick to judge.

Look at the knives on the wall. Good luck to this couple!

In case some of you do have the intention to start an affair or know of someone who wanna do so, please read my tongue-in-cheek advice below on how not to start one.

HOW NOT TO START AFFAIRS

1.   Don’t go and confide in friends/colleagues/acquaintances of the opposite sex about your marital problems. Of cos’ they will be sympathetic towards you and of cos’ they’ll take your side cos’ you’re their friend and they don’t wanna appear unsupportive. Anyway, the more you talk about it, the bigger the problems become. It’s better to talk it out with your other half as they are the only people who can solve these problems with you.

2.   Don’t be emotional in front of a friend/colleague/acquaintance especially you, WOMEN. Don’t go and cry on some men’s shoulder and expect to get sympathy. Often men will take advantage of this and it will lead to affairs when you become too dependent on them for emotional support.

3.   Don’t always think the other person is always better/prettier/nicer than your current spouse. In the end, they will all end up the same after you marry them. Women will become fat and naggy and men will become lazy and egoistic (We’re all the same!). They may not have the same bad points as your ex-spouse but they will come with their own set of bad points which you may not be able to tolerate too.

4.   Before you start a new relationship, think about this : You have to start all over again – meeting the disapproving in-laws, getting to know their group of friends, trying to win over their kids and getting them to bond with your kids etc. Very tiring, especially when you’re too old to handle these kinda emotional roller-coasters.

5.   Also, do realise this : The sex is always great when you’re having an affair cos’ it’s illicit. Once the excitement of getting caught wears off and the passion’s gone, the sex becomes the same stale sex you’re having with your current spouse.

And lastly, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce, 67% of all second marriages will end in divorce, and 74% of all third marriages will end in divorce. So your best bet is still your first marriage. Well, at least there’s a 50% chance of the marriage surviving.